In the mid-seventies, savvy movie producer Dino DeLaurentiis managed to convince nearly everyone on the planet that they had to see his big-budget remake of King Kong (1976). Suddenly, big apes were big box-office and several other producers hoped to cash in with their own versions of the classic tale. There was the Shaw Bros. adventure The Mighty Peking Man (1977) and the Italian/Canadian co-production Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (1977) that featured a prehistoric giant in instead of a giant ape. But none of them scraped the bottom of the cinematic simian barrel quite like Ape (1976) a movie so astoundingly cheap that it makes an Ed Wood production look like a Cecil B. DeMille epic in comparison.

The low-budget shenanigans start right away as a toy boat bobs into frame. Two sailors stand on the sparsely realized deck where PVC piping serves as a guardrail. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world," one of them says of their adventure thus far. Apparently, the prerequisite build up of an expedition to a remote island and the discovery/capture of a giant primate has been skipped over.

"Imagine… almost thirty-six feet tall… wow," the other sailor haltingly comments as we learn that their fist port of call will be Disneyland. Suddenly, a hairy paw bursts through the ersatz deck. The boat explodes in a giant fireball and Ape rises from the watery wreckage. This is our first glimpse of the title simian and it's underwhelming to say the least. The suit is so ragged that it looks as if it were purchased for a $1.98 from a church rummage sale. Even the googly-eyed Kong costume from Toho's King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962) and King Kong Escapes (1967) was more convincing than this.

A cardboard fin swims towards the newly freed Ape and a deliriously odd battle ensues as the simian-suited stunt performer wrestles with a real, but very dead, shark. Just like Bela Lugosi in Bride of the Monster (1955), Ape wrestles and punches the lifeless fish for all he's worth. As if this weren't already cheesy enough, it's during this scene that the stuntman's wrists are visible and his white undershirt can briefly be seen through a split seam in the costume.

Why exactly is Ape fighting a giant shark anyway? Not only is Ape a poverty row King Kong rip-off, but it also borrows the shark gimmick from the previous summer's biggest blockbuster Jaws (1975).

Once Jaws has been disposed of, Ape heads ashore and makes quick work of squashing some balsawood buildings. A few Korean extras (about six) make a run for it as Ape tramples everything in sight. Rusty soup cans stand in for the fuel barrels that Ape tosses at the camera. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, this chintzy piece of cinema trash was also shot in 3-D.

The next day, movie starlet Marilyn Baker (Joanna Kerns) arrives in "the Orient". After making a brief statement to the press, she notices American reporter Tom Rose (Rod Arrants). She greets him with a great big kiss and then warns him, "Tom, we promised to cool it, remember?" Talk about mixed messages.

On the taxi ride to her hotel, Tom woos her with irresistible sweet talk. "There's this Buddhist priest I know who says he's never married two Caucasians before and he's just dying to." Amusingly, Tom also points out several Seoul landmarks as they're driving through the city, but the production is so cheap that there are no insert shots showing the sights that he's describing.

Next we are introduced to Capt. Kim (Nak-hun Lee) and his family, who speak English, but are impossible to understand. Kim receives word that there have been several reports of a monster running loose outside the city.

A U.S. solider is driving along, minding his own business, when he turns a corner and runs smack into a 3-D gag. Smoldering ruins are all that is left of a U.S. military base. Though the attack happened off camera, we assume that Ape is the culprit. The solider (probably played by the assistant cameraman's second cousin) surveys the charred miniature landscape and mutters, "Oh, shit."

If it hasn't already become apparent, Ape doesn't have much of a plot. It's more like a series of loosely connected scenes that have been strung together to make a movie.

The next scene features a group of Korean school children who break into an amusement park that has been closed for the season. Ape watches as the children frolic. Their schoolteacher eventually joins them, which begs the question, if this was some kind of field trip, why did they have to break in? At any rate, one child finally notices the thirty-six foot gorilla watching them and everyone runs away. Ape next pulls a snake from a tree and flings it at the camera. This lame 3-D effect has nothing to do with anything, though Kong '76 featured a battle with a giant snake, so this may explain why the filmmakers were "inspired" to include this throw away scene in their film.

Suddenly, for no discernable reason, a kung fu battle breaks out! Fists and weapons fly. It's as if someone slipped in a reel from a bad Shaw Bros. movie by mistake. We soon discover that this is merely a movie being shot on location, though presumably not the one Marilyn is starring in. Ape arrives and disrupts the production. To fend off the chest-pounding simian, the stunt men let loose with a barrage of flaming arrows. The arrows fly towards the camera, wobbling on their guide-wires. Some crewmen take a giant log and run towards the camera. Does it stop Ape? Who knows?

The scene abruptly cuts to Capt. Kim and his blustering U.S. counterpart, Colonel Davis (Alex Nicol) as they are inundated with reports of monster sightings. Nicol plays Col. Davis so broadly that you might assume that his character is meant to be comic relief. The only problem is, nothing he ever says or does is funny… not intentionally anyway. The two men meet and spend some time getting to know one another. Can you say filler?

Tired of the movie crew, Ape comes across a cow grazing in a field. After stepping over the little plastic stunt cow, he encounters a hang gliding enthusiast. Ape bounces the glider in his big hairy paw and does a happy dance as he watches it fly away.

Tom arrives at the International Movie Co. to watch Marilyn rehearse a scene. Paul Leder, the director/writer/producer/editor of Ape, plays the on set director "Dino", a less than subtle reference to King Kong producer Dino DeLaurentiis. When Marilyn's co-star get a little too rough, Dino reminds him to be gentle. "Gentle!" the method actor fumes, "This is a goddamn rape scene and you want me to be gentle?!"

In a scene played almost entirely with their backs to the camera (making it easier to dub in expository dialog later) Tom takes Marilyn aside and warns her of the giant horny rampaging gorilla. Incidentally, Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla was one of this film's many alternate titles. No, seriously.

"The ape snuffed out another village," Col. Davis reports, prompting the obligatory scene of panicked extras evacuating the city. One group is so busy fleeing that, when they turn a corner, they run smack dab into a giant pair of monkey legs. The oversized prop legs are laughable and look as if they were constructed by grade school children for a class project.

After uprooting some power lines and squashing a few houses, Ape sits back to watch as Marilyn shoots a scene. She escapes the clutches of her co-star and runs away screaming. She inexplicably runs and runs and runs, continuing the scene long after the movie camera could ever capture it. She returns to her starting position and prepares for another take. Once again, she runs away, only this time she runs directly into Ape's hand, a threadbare oversized prop that is operated by clearly visible fishing line. Ape carries away a little Marilyn doll while Dino flags down Tom and Capt. Kim, who just happen to be driving by.

Ape purrs like an oversized kitten as Marilyn urges him to, "Be gentle big fella." He sets her down and Marilyn finds shelter in a nearby cave. Ape wildly swats at the model helicopters that are thrown at him as Tom initiates a rescue attempt. Though he's driven a jeep to get closer to the action, he seems to park the vehicle a mile or more away. He has to run over hill and dale to get to Marilyn. To escape, they both have to run and run and run all the way back to the car.

There's some more stunning miniature work as the battle with Ape reaches its infamous climax. Probably the only reason this film is remembered today is that after Ape brings down a chopper, he gives his attackers the middle finger. That's right, Ape flips off the military.

Several scenes of filler follow, including fascinating footage of Davis yelling on the phone and B-roll footage of Tom and Marilyn driving back to Seoul in the jeep. Tom drops her off at Capt. Kim's apartment. "That Buddhist priest," she asks, "Do you thing he'll be free on Saturday?" Ah, romance.

Ape arrives in Seoul and there's a mind bogglingly bad effects shot of Ape advancing on the city. He starts Peking in windows, but when he can't find his beloved, he smashes several buildings. Marilyn and Mrs. Kim are too busy putting on a puppet show to worry about the death and destruction just outside their door. Ape eventually crashes through the roof and scoops up his favorite American actress. The miniature Seoul model goes up in flames while real footage of Korean firefighters is intercut for some verisimilitude.

There's some more boring phone talk from Col. Davis that concludes with, "The Korean government have issued orders to kill that hairy son of a bitch!" Some tank and helicopter stock footage is used to give the illusion of a full-scale tactical assault. In reality, the scant footage is looped and we're forced to watch the same vehicles drive past three or four times.

Ape stands atop a mountain/hill (as opposed to an expensive model skyscraper) as the attack commences. He sets down his Marilyn doll to protect her from the onslaught of the U.S. and Korean military. There are several gratuitous 3-D moments when some soldiers fire their rifles directly at the camera. Ape also tosses Styrofoam rocks that fly towards camera on fishing wire. Toy tanks explode as Tom And Marilyn reunite amid the gunfire.

Ape climbs higher up the "mountain" and sends a Styrofoam avalanche tumbling down upon the soldiers. But it's too little, too late. A direct hit from a tiny tank makes Ape spit up copious amounts of red Kool-Aid. "Let's see him dance for his organ grinder now!" Davis shouts as Ape finally collapses.

Our hero and heroine have a slightly more magnanimous view of the great ape's downfall.

"Oh Tom, why? Why?" Marilyn pouts.

"He's just too big for a small world like ours."

Ape is the kind of film that usually marks the unceremonious end to an actor's career. Oddly, that wasn't the case of the two American leads. Joanna Kerns made her feature debut in Ape, an inauspicious beginning to be sure. Working steadily in television throughout the 70's, she landed the role for which she is best remembered in 1985, Carol Seaver on TV's Growing Pains. She continues to work in television behind the camera as a director. Like Kerns, leading man Rod Arrants also found steady work in television. His roles have included such daytime fare as Search for Tomorrow, Another World and The Young and the Restless.

Ape is presented in widescreen (2.00:1). The print used for the DVD isn't exactly in pristine condition (the film's age and low-budget origins are partly to blame) but overall the scratches and dirt aren't too distracting. There are no special features included.

Though some may question your level of taste for watching something as low-brow as Ape, bad movie connoisseurs know that there is no greater joy than watching a stunt man in a monkey costume trampling a model city. When that monkey is the star of a production as astoundingly chintzy as Ape, that's when you know you're watching a true piece of cinema trash.

CCT also recommends:

King Kong

The Mighty Peking Man

Yeti

 

If renting movies is for you, try Netflix. They stock most of the movies CCT recommends.