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With
elevator musak as her back-up, Dionne Warwick sings the theme song
to The Love Machine (1971). As John Phillip Law walks through
the streets of New York, the lyrics helpfully spell out his characters
psychological profile, "Where the winter winds have blown
— Walks a man called Robin Stone — He will always walk
alone."
A
newscaster for the local IBC affiliate, it's clear that Robin Stone
(the love machine of the title) won't be winning an Emmy anytime
soon when he introduces a human interest story on spring fashion.
"What's it been like in New York today? Well, we've had our
share of assorted disasters," Like this movie perhaps? "and
yet we've had our bright moments too."
More
musak accompanies a montage of designer outfits courtesy of Moss
Mabry. It boggles the mind that clothes so ridiculously awful could
have ever been considered fashionable. Robin flirts with a pretty
blonde model in an onscreen interview. When he asks her name, ingénue
Jodi Wexler replies, "Amanda…just Amanda, that's all there
is."
"That's
all you need." Clearly bowled over by his sparkling wit, Amanda
goes home with Robin and sleeps with him.
When
she attempts to leave in the middle of the night he smacks her around.
"When you sleep with me, you stay with me. You don't leave.
Nobody leaves me. Nobody."
The
next day, while covering her bruises with make-up, Amanda tells
photographer and gay confidant Jerry Nelson (David Hemmings with
an awful beard) of her fabulous evening with Robin. "I can
handle men so beautifully when I'm not involved. It's different
when you care. I'm in love with him Jerry."
In
a meeting with network president Greg Austin (Robert Ryan) Robin
is promoted to anchor the evening news as well as run IBC's news
division. Office tramp and publicity gal Ethel Evans (Maureen Arthur),
whose first entrance is appropriately preceded by the sound of a
flushing toilet, suggests that Robin get some new publicity photos.
"Jerry
Nelson will take care of that. Trouble is he only wants to shoot
me in the nude."
"Maybe
I could hold the flashbulb." she quips. He turns her down,
making Ethel the only woman in the movie that he doesn't
sleep with.
As
he rockets up the corporate ladder, Robin puts the brakes on his
relationship with Amanda. When she gives him an ankh pinky ring
he asks, "What comes next, a little gold leash?" Soon
he's back to his womanizing ways while Amanda receives the cold
shoulder.
Convinced
his glossy news programs will make more money; Robin begins to make
sweeping changes to the networks schedule, much to the chagrin of
programming head Danton Miller (Jackie Cooper). Determined to prove
him wrong with some big ratings, Danton gives borscht belt comic
Christie Lane (Shecky Greene) his own low-brow variety show.
As
the spokesmodel for the shows sponsor, Amanda stars in a commercial
wearing a red vinyl trench coat trimmed with feathers. The ad is
filled with psycadelic lighting and video effects as well as some
more memorable Mabry fashions. "From Faberge, the fragrance
of Amanda."
"Xanadu,"
Amanda whispers at the camera. Is that supposed to be the name of
the perfume? The commercial is so vague and artsy it's hard to tell.
At
an after party, Robin shows up with another girl. Distraught, Amanda
agrees to go home with Christie Lane. With his new show a success,
Christie promises to give Amanda anything she wants. What she wants
is Robin Stone.
Unable
to keep it in his pants, Robin unwisely beds Judith Austin (Dyan
Cannon) the boss's wife. While they're screwing around, Greg has
a heart attack. With her husband in intensive care, Judith has power
of attorney. She decides that Robin will run the network while she
and Greg are in Europe during his recovery.
Amanda's
toxic relationship with Robin has finally become too much to bear,
she flips out and Jerry later finds her dead of an overdose.
With
his good girl dead, Christie Lane sets his sights on bad girl Ethel
Evans. When he questions her principles Ethel sums up her ideals
with this simple statement. "When I ball a guy it's because
I dig him." Imagine that catchphrase on bumper stickers across
America.
After
Robin hears of Amanda's suicide he goes on a drinking binge and
picks up a hooker in Times Square. When "Amazon woman"
takes off her brunette wig revealing long, blonde, Amanda-like hair
he's turned off by the resemblance and changes his mind. When she
questions his masculinity Robin flies into a rage and beats the
crap out of her.
Worried
about his friend, Jerry attempts to get to the root of the problem.
"I know that what happened to Amanda must have had a terrible
effect on you. Why in God's name did you have to go out and beat
up a hooker?"
Law
finally musters up a certain degree of emotion and answers, "I
don't know. I honestly don't know." In exchange for an alibi,
Jerry asks Robin for a personally inscribed slave bracelet. A slave
bracelet? How very chic… well, chic for 1971.
Greg
and Judith return from Europe. She'd like to resume her extramarital
affair but Robin brushes her off like all the rest. Late one night
she finds him frolicking with not one, but two girls in the
shower. Deciding to get mad and get even, Judith sets fire
to his bed.
When
Greg wants to resume his presidency of the network, Robin throws
a Diva fit. "I've been calling every shot around here for a
long time. I'm not going to start asking your permission for every
move I make. If that's what you want, get yourself a boy."
The
action then shifts to the West coast. Robin runs into Judith at
the Hotel Bel-Air. Deciding it's in his best interest to make amends,
he invites Judith to accompany him to a party that Jerry and his
boyfriend are throwing. Later that night after all the guests have
left, Judith finds Jerry's special bracelet. After reading the inscription,
she plans to use the gossip that Jerry and Robin are lovers to exact
her revenge.
"I'm
gonna see to it that you are totally unemployed, off the network,
out of television completely and I'm the one that can do it. Oh
boy, won't the scandal sheets love knowing about the two of you."
Jerry
shuts her up with a well deserved bitch slap and, in an attempt
to get the bracelet back, a hilarious fight breaks out. Kicking,
biting and hair pulling. As they chase Judith around the house every
prop and piece of furniture becomes a projectile weapon. Not even
the Three Stooges could've come up with something this zany.
All
the ruckus brings the police to their door and everyone is hauled
down to the Beverly Hills Police Department. When they're released
they go their separate ways, including Robin who walks away…
alone.
Suddenly,
in what looks like leftover footage from the start of the movie,
Robin is walking along New York's lower east side. Did he walk all
the way back to the east coast? Did he lose his job? Is he working
for a new network? UPN perhaps?
The
end credits roll as Dionne Warwick starts up with that theme song
again.
Robin
Stone… he's moving on…
So,
where are they now? John Phillip Law and Dyan Cannon are still active
in movies and television. Hollywood legends Robert Ryan and Jackie
Cooper have both passed away. In 2003, David Hemmings had a heart
attack while working on a movie in Europe. For lovely Jodi Wexler,
The Love Machine was her one and only film role.
Author
Jacqueline Susann was quite unhappy with The Love Machine
despite the fact that she agreed to a cameo and her husband also
produced the movie. She disliked most of the casting choices with
the exception of Shecky Greene and Robert Ryan.
Three
weeks into shooting The Love Machine, original leading man
Brain Kelly had to be replaced after a serious motorcycle accident.
Production resumed when Law was miscast in the part of Robin Stone.
His wooden screen presence wasn't helped by the fact that the studio
wouldn't pay for new costumes. Law, who was several inches taller
than Kelly, had to wear his ill-fitting suits.
The
Love Machine, and Once is Not Enough (1974) are available
on video for rental or purchase. So far, only Valley of the Dolls
(1967) is available on DVD. The fact that the three different films
were produced by three different studios makes a Susann deluxe box
set highly unlikely.
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